Thursday, 23 February 2012

Dear Royal Bank of Scotland, UK Government, World

I notice that RBS has reported an annual loss of £2 BILLION today, up £0.9 BILLION from last year's total of £1.1 BILLION. Top-notch work in turning that shit around, bang-up job, backslaps all round, well fucking done.

"Yeah, alright, I admit, I probably don't deserve that new Ferrari."

And yet, despite this, those HEROIC INVESTMENT BANKERS from RBS will still be sharing a bonus pool of £390 MILLION (of our £45 BILLION, which we still haven't got back and apparently won't be doing for the forseeable future) between them.

An investment banker, saving the world.
Thank GOD for them!

Now, granted, I only have a borderline B-grade in GCSE Maths (certificate provided on request as proof), and am admittedly a bit hazy on the complex ins-and-outs of this global Economics malarkey, so I was wondering if you could just answer me this simple question:






Give it fucking back. It's not yours, it's ours. GIVE IT FUCKING BACK.

In short:

Up yours, and I'm dead fucking serious, go fuck yourselves and die somewhere miserably, horribly, wretchedly, every last scum-sucking fucking one of you,


PS - I can feel my mask of sanity slipping. At the rate we're going, it's going to have to be suicide, but rest assured: you're all coming with me.

Dear BBC News website (II)

Just copped a goz at your latest Entertainments and Arts page.

Beezer stuff. I can't help but think, though, that what your pages really need is MORE STORIES, FEATURES, ANALYSIS PIECES AND ARTICLES ABOUT ADELE. Why, this week alone she must have taken at least five shits, inhaled and exhaled thousands of times a day, said something, done something and maybe sang something, somewhere, at some point.

If you're stuck for inspiration, try looking back at your coverage over the last couple of weeks, when you reported on that time when Adele "triumphed at the Brits", was then "cut short at the Brits", followed by James Corden saying "something about cutting her short at the Brits", then some utterly fucking random bloke expressing displeasure at her "being cut short at the Brits".

We could also then do with a special report from the Arts editor on how Adele "triumphed at the Brits", followed by reaction from some other people on Adele's "triumph at the Brits", plus some additional footage of Adele "triumphing at the Brits". This, of course, after some build-up to Adele's inevitable "triumph at the Brits" and innumerable special features on Adele prior to "triumphing at the Brits" - possibly incorporating something about her throat here. And here. And here. And here.

All of these were, astonishingly, SEPARATE FUCKING ARTICLES - a bit like that time you reported on how she wouldn't be playing gigs that weren't even slated, then might have been quitting for a while, but wasn't actually quitting at all (where I come from, they're what might be classed as non-stories). Why, if I actually paid my license fee, I would have legitimate cause to get jolly well cross about this sort of flagrant, superfluous, wanton overkill!

In short, change the fucking record, yeah? That goes for every single one of you bastard radio programmers, too. Enough already. Enough. PLEASE. If nothing else, do it for my own sanity, and so that I can free myself from the bizarre Adele irony trap I appear to have become ensnared in, whereby the only place where you can read and hear more about Adele being in the news is from me bitching about Adele being in the news. Adele Adele Adele.


Adeley regards,