Friday, 2 January 2009

Dear Rolf Harris

Seeing as how it's been a while since one of your wacky reinventions of a pop standard hit the charts, might I proffer a suggestion for your next musical venture?

With Richey Edwards of the Manic Street Preachers having finally been pronounced dead in recent months, there can surely be no better way of paying tribute to the doe-eyed, arm-carving berk than by issuing your own track-for-track re-work of The Holy Bible.

I mean, just picture it - what could possibly surpass the majesty of hearing you bust out that heave-ho wanking-rhythm we all know and love while your Grandfatherly 'tache/goatee combo scats heartfelt lyrics like "He's a boy; you want a girl, so cut off his cock / Tie his hair in bunches, fuck him, call him Rita if you want"?

Frankly, there are few things in this world that would please me more than to hear you getting out the wobble-board for an irreverent crack at Of Walking Abortion (though I suspect it'd only work if you chucked in that mouth-flicking thing from the start of Rolf's Cartoon Club too). If you're feeling fruity, you could even lob in a blast of the Animal Hospital theme and round the whole thing off by snivelling "Sadly, the goth died!"

Give it some thought.

Hopeful regards,

PS - Is there any truth to that urban myth about the student at one of your University gigs walking in on you getting a blow-job?