Tuesday, 20 September 2011

Dear Justin Bieber

I just wanted to congratulate you on your truly inspired performance in your debut film, Never Say Never. The film was a comedic triumph, a raucous satire in the vein of Bob Roberts and This is Spinal Tap about an undeniably talented but hilariously misguided ego monster-in-waiting's bid to "live his dreams", complete with a supporting cast of sycophants, faintly sinister 'big bro' Svengalis, hand-rubbing moneymen, screaming idiot fans, grown adults who are old enough to know better (outstanding work getting Usher and Ludacris onboard) and fall-down-laughing moments of spontaneous "prayer".

Personally, I can't wait for the sequel, when our eponymous hero's bollocks drop, he takes to masturbating 15-20 times a day in a bid to relieve the frustration of his hermetically-sealed existence, then becomes embroiled in a downward spiral of drugs and alcohol when he realises that the industry is a gigantic sham predicated upon expedient manipulation tactics, ultimately concluding that songs like Baby are nothing less than an embarrassment for someone over the age of 16 to be singing.

- Sorry, what? It's a documentary...?

... Fuck me. (*)


(*) n.b. Don't actually fuck me.

Dear Mackenzie Hall "specialist debt recovery and trace solution provider" (that's MACKENZIE HALL)

Cheers for your letter which arrived in the post this morning, hankering after some money owed by someone who may (or may not) have lived at my current address in the recent or distant past. I do feel that, before progressing any further, I ought to fully outline my position and say that I don't like debt collection agencies; they are, without exception, scum-sucking, bottom-feeding, leeching cunts. Having dealt with your kind before on several occasions, I consider you nothing less than a nutty, greasy skid-mark on the underpants of humanity. Luckily, you included an email contact and 'Address ID' number so that the recipient is able to contact you and stop further communication if it turns out that they're not the named 'Client' (which I'm not).

Frankly, I was so pleased with my response that I've decided to include it below for the enjoyment of my three readers. Looking forward to your reply, especially given that your company - MACKENZIE HALL - is, according to a cursory scan of Google, renowned for its spectacularly abusive service level, and has been rapped on the knuckles by the OFT for business practises which "fail to meet satisfactory standards" (presumably those governing the basic laws of human decency).


Dear Sir/Madam,

I've just received a Reduced Settlement Offer letter for the above-listed address ID, but unfortunately (for you, that is - I can just throw the piece of paper in the bin) the named person, a Mr John-Paul Taggart, no longer lives at this residence. In fact, it's someone I've never heard of, so if you could stop any further communication, as mentioned in the letter, that would be ripper.

I'd love to help you to track down the person in question but, as I say, I've no idea who they are or whether they in fact ever lived at this address - based on his faintly ridiculous name, I'm inclined to think he may actually be a fictional rock'n'roll detective of some kind. Besides, having dealt with companies such as yours in the past, I find it's far more enjoyable to make you do your own legwork when it comes to this sort of thing - personally, I think that if you're going to make money leeching off the misery of others, you should have to work as hard for it as possible. But that's just me.

I did however particularly enjoy the fact that the original creditor, apparently owed £445.39, is prepared to accept a final "reduced settlement" offer of £44.54 - some 10% of the original amount - which simply confirms my suspicion that companies such as yours operate on a principal of bullying and borderline fraud.

Warmest heartfelt regards,
D. McLelland, Esq.

Dear TV Execs, Voyeurs

Blimey. We've really sunk low on the latest ratings grab, haven't we?

Bit racist for mainstream programming, don't you think?