Tuesday, 21 June 2011

Dear Film Studios, Distributors, Exhibitors, Audiences

Heard really great things about Senna - serious contender for film of the year, uplifting triumph of the human spirit, moving affirmation of life's inherent fragility, etc - and am well up for watching it.

Unfortunately, I can't, as here's what's currently playing on the various screens of my local multiplex:

* Pirates of the Caribbean 57
* Pirates of the Caribbean 57 (3D)
* Kung Fu Panda 2
* Kung Fu Panda 2 (3D)
* X-Men 13
* X-Men 13 (3-D)
* Honey 2
* The Hangover 2

- Great. Nice one. Cheers.

I hope you'll understand when I say I'll probably be catching it on DVD, then.

Despairing regards,

PS - Do better. Seriously, just DO BETTER.

Dear Adele (2)

Seeing as how you've shown little-to-no signs of fucking off since our last conversation, I've decided that as long as your eye-rolling brand of dribbly Mum-soul continues to blight my world, I'm at least going to have some fun with it.

With that in mind, I'm no Photoshop whizz, but I think even you would be hard-pushed to deny what a fine job I've done on this ad from yesterday's Metro:

- Bloody hell, I've got whackers on the brain at the moment...


Dear Bra Manufacturers

I know you have a tried-and-tested formula mapped out for these things already, but I reckon I've hit on an absolutely ingenious new system of measurement for over-the-shoulder boulder-holders.

Instead of the familiar circumference/cup-size combo, simply replace the letters with an appropriate value judgement based on the spectacularity of the orbs contained within.

These could ascend in grades depending on their level of respective awesomeness, for example -

- 34 YOWSA!!!

- 36 AWOOGA!!!

- 38 double-POW!!!

I hope this is of some help or use to you. (Sorry for being a pig and that, ladies - I both appreciate and acknowledge the fact that I really, really need to get laid).


PS - I don't suppose anyone's got that chick above's phone number, have they? It's just that every time I open the Bravissimo catalogue, I swear she's gazing right into my eyes.