Monday, 14 May 2012

Dear The Offspring

I listened to your upcoming single, Cruising California (Bumpin' In My Trunk), as I always do: with a sense of keen, eager and willing anticipation. I must say, it baffled the living shit out of me on first listen. "What the fuck are they playing at?!", I thought to myself, getting ready to pen your musical obituary with the sort of venom usually reserved for the latest piece of 30 Seconds To Mars promo 'cinema'.

Midway through, however, the audible clinking sound that could be heard resonating in the depths of my subconscious was that of the proverbial penny dropping. Not only is this record quite CLEARLY a massive joke, it's a fiendishly clever one, somehow managing to be both a spot-on parody of this sort of inane drivel and much catchier than the bulk of it. It will presumably therefore be a massive hit as a result of it being bought by the exact same people you're ripping it out of mercilessly.

At the end of the day, then, it all comes down to the simple question of which of these options you'd prefer: Katy Perry and Black Eyed Peas raking in millions while spouting this shit for real at the top of the charts, or The Offspring doing the exact same thing while blatantly taking the piss. Frankly, it's a no-brainer as far as I'm concerned (even if this does sound a bit like Iglu & Hartley).

The naysayers will scream bloody murder, of course, but more fool them: the great rock'n'roll swindle marches on proudly with a cynical smirk and one eye on the establishment's hard-earned dollar. And what, I ask you, is more punk rock than that?

In the meantime, I'm off to clear some space next to those Biffy, Rage and Nirvana tattoos for a flaming skull design, you fabulous bunch of japesters, you.

Forever yours,