Tuesday, 24 May 2011

Dear Fat Fuck Security Guard at my local Tesco

Yes, you, vest-stainer. Mouth-breather. We met earlier today. You might remember me - I was the conscientious citizen who was attempting to do his bit for the environment by recycling a large stack of cardboard boxes in the big skip out back.

It's the funniest thing, you know - during a recent house move, rather than pay a ridiculous premium for a series of brand new boxes, I decided to spare the environment the unnecessary wastage inherent in their manufacture and transport, and simply re-used some redundant boxes from the back of your own store. This posed no problem to anybody - they were due to be carted away shortly anyhow, so I figured they may as well be put to good use. I took them off your hands, really, saving your colleagues and employers the time, cost and expense of having to pack them down again and ship them off to meet their inevitable fate. In a way, given that there were no more boxes coming back in than went out initially, the act of borrow and return itself was of completely neutral status.

The skip in question - estimated height 6ft, width 4ft, depth 4ft, closed off with a top lid - was completely empty, but no, you stopped me mid-deposit all the same, insisting the receptacle was for "store use only" and made it known that they ought to be "taken elsewhere".

Unfortunately I didn't think quickly enough to allow our brief exchange to follow through to what I consider its most appropriate conclusion, which I've outlined for you below. Are the clinically-rounded Nazi glasses perched sufficiently on that heaving red nose of yours for me to continue...?

Twat: "Excuse me, which store are you with?"
Davis: "I'm not with any - I'm just recycling these boxes."
Twat: "You can't do that here. It's for store use only."
Davis: "But the container is empty, and new stock won't arrive til tonight at the earliest."
Twat: "Can't do it, mate."
Davis: "But I'm just trying to do my bit for the environm- "
Twat: "Can't do it, mate."
Davis: "When all things are considered, this act doesn't actually impact upon the rigid, immovable structures of your petty life one jot really, does it, you sweating porcine fuck?"
Twat: "There's no need to be rude, sir."
Davis: "Well, there's also no need to be a moon-faced jobsworth cunt either, so I suppose we're both equally at fault."

Like I say, I'm just in favour of social responsibility. But that's okay. You have your little rule.

- Aaaah! It's been long. The Rage is BACK.


PS - I snuck back round when you'd wandered on your merry little way and dumped them in there anyway.