Monday, 16 January 2012

Dear BBC News website; Reporters & Journalists nationwide

Oi oi! Just clicked on a very interesting-looking article on your homepage which I felt warranted further investigation. To wit:

Blimey, this one looks like it's going to get interesting! One of our most beloved filmmaking houses embroiled in a row over insensitive material in their latest family film? Do go on...

Crikey! Aardman have really got it wrong here, haven't they? Perhaps you could fill in the blanks with a bit more exposition though, just so we really know what we're talking about here.

Good work! A terse and factually accurate description of the moment in question - I think all the article needs now is the opposing faction's perspective, in order to provide a more rounded view of the conflict:

Bravo! Excellent reporting! Well-sourced, objective, brilliantly reasoned, mercifully free of flab, and it -

Oh, for FUCK'S sake.

Despairing regards,

Dear Michael Cocking Gove

Not a great day to be you really, is it, Boat Boy?

[Smack here]

Funnily enough, in a quite mind-boggling display of affrontery, you'd somehow managed to make my morning shitlist even before I'd got wind of you suggesting we generously spooge £60 million on a gift boat for Her Majo (and oh, 'twas a pungent guff indeed).

No, Govearino, you can only imagine my look of blank-faced stupefaction when I read this morning that you'd like to see fewer GCSE and A-Level passes next year in a bid to tackle "exam inflation" - this just three days after you advocated that "underperforming" teachers be given the heave-ho within as little as one month for failing to get their kiddlings to achieve... [drumroll]... GOOD GRADES.

I'm confused, Mikey Mike. Which is it to be? Are these "real achievements of children on the ground" you're so valiantly seeking in the interesting subjects like English and the Arts, or just the 'important' ones? Have you ever been in a class of 15-year-olds, taught a cunting lesson or attempted to hold the attention of a bunch of dead-eyed, soulless brand-slaves-in-waiting whose only concern is getting out of the classroom to bazz messages back and forth on their smartphones while listening to Rihanna bleat on about fucking all evening? No? Right, then.

Way to fundamentally misunderstand your own remit, Goveanator. Perhaps try quoffing back some some Imodium next time before opening your trap and blithely spewing shit all over public policy?

In short, your Department of Education: