Tuesday, 20 September 2011

Dear Justin Bieber

I just wanted to congratulate you on your truly inspired performance in your debut film, Never Say Never. The film was a comedic triumph, a raucous satire in the vein of Bob Roberts and This is Spinal Tap about an undeniably talented but hilariously misguided ego monster-in-waiting's bid to "live his dreams", complete with a supporting cast of sycophants, faintly sinister 'big bro' Svengalis, hand-rubbing moneymen, screaming idiot fans, grown adults who are old enough to know better (outstanding work getting Usher and Ludacris onboard) and fall-down-laughing moments of spontaneous "prayer".

Personally, I can't wait for the sequel, when our eponymous hero's bollocks drop, he takes to masturbating 15-20 times a day in a bid to relieve the frustration of his hermetically-sealed existence, then becomes embroiled in a downward spiral of drugs and alcohol when he realises that the industry is a gigantic sham predicated upon expedient manipulation tactics, ultimately concluding that songs like Baby are nothing less than an embarrassment for someone over the age of 16 to be singing.

- Sorry, what? It's a documentary...?

... Fuck me. (*)


(*) n.b. Don't actually fuck me.

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