Sunday, 11 October 2009

Dear Stephen Gately, Surviving Boyzone Members

What a truly sad day for music. I mean, when he sang that one that went, ah - how did it go now... oh, you know. That one. With the chorus that was like, er...

Mmm. Still, his contribution to popular culture will live on in all its grandeur, its splendour and its, er... what was it now...

Let's be sure to remember the good times though. Thank God someone was around to capture the depth of this great man's precocious talent for all posterity.

Joplin. Hendrix. Buckley. Cobain. Gately.


PS - No, no, but seriously, Gately fans, sorry for your loss. For the rest of us in possession of a modicum of perspective and/or common sense, please adopt this handy call-and-response guide for rebuffing charges of insensitivity when addressing the issue.

Q. "Why would you say something so nasty?"
A. He was a prancing pop puppet with no discernible talent.

Q. "I am as distraught as you were when Elliott Smith died. How is this any different?"
A. Elliott Smith's music had depth and meaning.

Q. "But he brought so much joy to my life when I was a teenager!"
A. Impressing 14-year-olds with low culture is not difficult. See N-Dubz.

Q. "But I used to really fancy him back in High School!"
A. I used to really fancy my Drama teacher at that age. I have no idea what I was thinking.

Q. "Louis Walsh described him as 'a great man'. Counter that, you black-hearted shit!"
A. Martin Luther King was a great man. Gandhi was a great man. Stephen Gately sang backing harmonies on Love Me for a Reason, and Louis Walsh is a fuckwit. All the best.

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