Dear Home Office Minister Alan Campbell

RE: this story.

Surely a more appropriate rebuke to the clueless Tory tit would've been: "SHEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIT..."?

Missed opportunity.

Regards,
Davis.

Dear Michael McIntyre

Please put the following to good use.

Regards,

Davis.

Dear Ben Stein; Hughes Family

Here is what must be allowed to happen at the funeral of John Hughes. I say this with no trace of malice, flippancy, disrespect or insincerity. It is what John would've wanted.

Ben Stein stands at the head of the ceremony and reads a roll-call, in alphabetical order, of the surnames of everyone in attendance. When he gets to the name of the deceased, however...

"Hughes... Hughes... Hughes..."

Rest in peace, John. It's not every filmmaker who gets to put his name to a genuine, first-class, grade-A masterpiece, but Ferris Bueller's Day Off is just that. We loved you, sir. The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, waistoids, dweebies, dickheads - we all adored you. We thought you were a righteous dude.

Regards,

Davis.

Dear Peter Andre and Jordan - sorry, "Katie" (II)

SHUT THE ABSOLUTE FUCKING FUCK UP, THE PAIR OF YOU.

"She said this!"

"He did that!"

The only people who give even the slightest dribbly shit are you, and idiots. QED.

Regards,

Davis.

Dear "Gadget Lovers"

FYI - 

gadget [noun]: Expensive, overwrought piece of pointless shit that you JUST DON'T NEED.

Regards,

Davis.

Dear people into shit about vampires

Has there ever been anything more tedious than shit about vampires? I think not.


Well... perhaps Joni Mitchell.

Regards,
Davis.

PS - I'm serious. I just watched The Last Waltz and she absolutely fucking ruined it.

Dear Madonna

Perhaps while attempting to erect your no doubt massively-overblown stage, those fallen technicians of yours failed to properly get their rivets "into the groove".

 
 Thanks very much, I'll be here all week! 

Regards, 

Davis. 

PS - Put some fucking trousers on, for God's sake. You're a 75-year-old mother of two.