Sunday, 31 May 2009

Dear Girls Aloud (III)

Sorry to keep bothering you, but I have to tell you about the dream I had last night.

The band's latest in-concert routine for Something Kinda Ooh revolves around dropping to your knees at the front of the stage dressed in skimpy skin-tight leathers, then inviting five male members up out of the audience and sucking them off in unison. The first one to drain their subject dry before the song ends (it's played as a backing track throughout, incidentally) is the winner. Rather than raising alarm bells in the predominantly young female audience, they instead cheer wildly, rewarding the eventual explosion of squodge in mouths with the loudest scream of all: a triumphant chant of the line "Hell YEAH!" from Sexy (No No No).

I'm not entirely sure what's wrong with me, whether this is part of Simon Cowell's sinister plan or simply a cogent metaphor for the band itself. However, were you to consider it for future shows, I for one would be first in line at the box office. Not bad, considering that I think you're ostensibly little more than a bunch of posing plastic pop puppets who'd be good for a quick roll in the hay and very little else.

Now, could you get the fuck out of my head please?