Dear Steve Jobs

I can honestly put my hand on my heart and say that I have never cared less about any one thing in this life than the headline "news" that you've apparently had to have a liver transplant.

Live, dead, ailing, buoyant - you'll always be nothing more than bearded corporate scum to me.

Regards,
Davis.

PS - There is however a particularly satisfying irony in the fact that an Apple a day has apparently done absolutely shit-all to keep the doctor away. All the best.

Dear "Yummy Mummies"

Please stop referring to yourself as a Yummy Mummy. It makes you sound like a right dick.

That is all.

Regards,
Davis.

Dear Dizzee Rascal

SOME PEOPLE THINK YOU'RE BONKERS!!! I JUST THINK YOU'RE A CUNT!!!

Cunt.

Regards,
Davis.

PS - Is that the "up yours" gesture from Friends you're doing there? How apt.

Dear Stephen J. Cannell, Ridley Scott, misguided studio heads

- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...!

Really? 'The Personality'...?! As Lt Col John 'Hannibal' Smith? You've gone for Rob frigging Roy? Qui-Gon? Oskar-ruddy-Schindler?! "I love it when a list comes together"?! Didn't you hear his 'American' accent in Leap of Faith?!

Christ, this is a bigger disaster than AF447...

Regards,
Davis.

PS - Get Clooney's agent on the phone, you hacks! THERE IS STILL TIME!!!

Dear Nadine Dorries

20 grand on PR help from 'Media Intelligence Partners'?

Not entirely sure that represents great value-for-money for John Q. Taxpayer - unless of course you needed some help buffing your image as a pissing, moaning, sour-faced bint hell-bent on fucking things up royally for young women everywhere, in which case they've done a right good job.

Nice to know also that our tax £££ have been put to 'good' use funding your ongoing campaign to impose further restrictions on abortion terms and pepper sex education with outmoded moralistic dribble about abstinence and this'n'that. Bonzer!

Can I submit this as my entry by clicking the 'Tell Nadine What You Think' on your webshite, you vile shrew?

Regards,
Davis.

PS - Nice lamp, by the way. Did we pay for that?

PPS - You can pipe down too, mind, Dollar bloke - admitting that you know "nothing about Mid Beds" probably not the best way of establishing your candidacy for anything other than Desperate, Self-Serving, Attention-Grubbing Shit of the Year.

- Aaaaah! I feel positively cleansed...

Dear Joanna Lumley

What are you getting so het up about?


Personally I can't be doing with gurkhas - I always pick them off me cheeseburger whenever I get a McDonald's.

Regards,
Davis.

Dear Douglas Hogg, guilty associates at Westminster (all parties)

Hold up a sec! Whoooaaah! Slow down there!


That's better. Now, I hope you don't mind, sir, but I just took a shit in your moat.

It wasn't an act of democratic reform per se, but it was within the spirit of democratic reform.

Regards (you disgusting, estate-owning, non-mortgaged, rich cunt),
Davis.

PS - You couldn't fork over a few quid for some bog-roll, could you? I promise I'll get a receipt.

PPS - [Insert flippant Hogg/trough pun here].