Dear Leader of Roman Catholics in England and Wales Archbishop Vincent Nichols

Well, a MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS to you too, you miserable cunt!

- Seriously, aren't there other slightly more trifling matters you should be concerning yourself with today?

Peace on earth, and goodwill towards all men... unless, of course, they happen to like other men. Jesus would be utterly ashamed of you (well, I imagine he would be if he hadn't been dead for centuries, anyway).

What an absolute, 24-carat, grade-A megabastard.

Festive fucking regards,
Davis.

Dear Headline Writers, News Perusers, Bored People

I've come up with an absolute belter of a game you can all play at home, entitled Punctuate The News. The concept is simple: take an existing news headline, and - without adding or removing any words - change the punctuation so that it completely recontextualises the story.

I'll start with this zinger, which is perhaps unfortunate since it may prove hard to top:

           
Boss asked Savile about 'Rumours'

...in which Bruce Springsteen had a thoroughly enjoyable chinwag with renowned TV kiddy-fiddler Sir James Savile about Fleetwood Mac's seminal 1977 album.

Now you try!

Regards,
Davis.

Dear All

It might be too soon to call at this stage, but I think I may have just solved two of music's longest-running mysteries.

Regards,
Davis.

Dear Glastongoers

Congratulations on bagging your tickets to next year's prestigious event! Advance registrations have sold out in record time once again, and it looks set to be an absolute fucking banga.

Just FYI, I've received an advance leak of the line-up ahead of its announcement, and can confirm that they haven't skimped on it in the slightest - truly, 2013 is shaping up to be the festy experience to end them all. It runs as follows:

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

FRIDAY

PYRAMID STAGE

DUFFY - performing that song from the Diet Coke ad in full

RAIN AND INCESSANT WHINGING ABOUT THE VOLUME OF THE SOUNDSYSTEM

JEFF LEACH'S COMEDY CHARACTER SPECTACULAR

MICHAEL KIWANUKA'S VERRUCA

JIMMY SAVILE PRESENTS JIM'LL FRIG IT  ...LIVE!

CURLY-HAIRED BLOKE FROM CAST (Solo acoustic)

KATE NASH - exploring her 'difficult' new mature direction

A TRAMP

OTHER STAGES

None, sorry - cutbacks.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

SATURDAY

PYRAMID STAGE

ULTIMATE MASH-UPS: HOWARD FROM THE HALIFAX ADS vs. THE GO COMPARE MAN

THAT BIRD FROM TEXAS

DARCEY BUSSELL PRESENTS: A DANCE TRIBUTE TO TERRY NUTKINS 

TRACEY EMIN SHITTING HERSELF WHILE DAMIEN HIRST CUTS UP FERRETS AND THAT

SPANDAU COCKING BALLET
THAT DANCING PSY CUNT

JEREMY HUNT - My Life in Poetry

MENSWEAR MK. II - 15th Anniversary Reunion Tour

OTHER STAGES

Look, we're all in it together.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

SUNDAY

PYRAMID STAGE

ROBBIE FUCKING WILLIAMS

JEDWARD'S COMPLETE HISTORY OF BRITAIN

THE KATE MOSS EXPERIENCE

SHOVELL OUT OF M PEOPLE
SHELDON FROM THE BIG BANG THEORY RECITES HIS MANY HILARIOUS CATCHPHRASES

BODGER UND BADGER (German tribute act)

FEARNE COTTON (DJ set)

LOCAL BRASS BAND OR ROLF HARRIS NO DOUBT

OTHER STAGES

Take it up with your local MP, the Eavises are very busy people.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Enjoy the legendary "Glasto vibe", suckers!

Regards,
Davis.

Dear BBC News

What's wrong with this article, as featured on today's Birmingham and Black Country News? Is it the headline and opening paragraphs, in which you describe what's happened...?




...No, that seems to all be in order. So is it the next part, which provides additional context and information about the case?

...Nope, that seems okay as well. So maybe there's some fault to be found with the next few sections, in which we get the  Judge's comments upon passing his verdict.

 

...Again, nil problemo. So perhaps, then, it's the very end of the piece, in which - after heartfelt pleas for restraint from the presiding magistrate - you proceed to publish the NAMES AND ADDRESSES OF THE ACQUITTED DEFENDANTS...?

You know, it's strange - despite this information being reproduced here for the sole purpose of gobsmacked and incredulous illustration, even I had the basic decency to not dish out names and Google map directions to any brickbat-wielding vigilante who might fancy having their say on the case.

Well fucking done, Anonymous Reporter. WELL FUCKING DONE.

Regards,
Davis.

Dear Jay-Z and Kanye West

Yeah, I'll be honest, lads, this is another of those times when I turn out to be quite pleased with myself.



Ball so hard, muh'fuckers want to fine me. Whatever the chuff that means.

Regards,
Davis.

Dear Home Office

I filled in your online survey on same-sex marriage. To be honest, I felt it all got a bit too bogged-down in overly-technical nitpicking for my liking, so I've cut-and-pasted the edited highlights below.

Q1: Do you agree or disagree that all couples, regardless of their gender, should be able to have a civil marriage ceremony?

A: Agree.

Please explain the reasons for your answer:

I fail to believe, in this day and age, that outmoded, predjudiced and archaic notions of what marriage 'should' be - apparently based on the didactic 'teachings' of a fictional 2000-year-old text - are even considered worthy of discussion.

Q16: Do you have any other comments on the proposals within this consultation?

A: No further comments necessary. Please get with the programme and live in the 21st Century.

SINCERELY,
D. McLELLAND.