Dear Joanna Lumley

What are you getting so het up about?


Personally I can't be doing with gurkhas - I always pick them off me cheeseburger whenever I get a McDonald's.

Regards,
Davis.

Dear Douglas Hogg, guilty associates at Westminster (all parties)

Hold up a sec! Whoooaaah! Slow down there!


That's better. Now, I hope you don't mind, sir, but I just took a shit in your moat.

It wasn't an act of democratic reform per se, but it was within the spirit of democratic reform.

Regards (you disgusting, estate-owning, non-mortgaged, rich cunt),
Davis.

PS - You couldn't fork over a few quid for some bog-roll, could you? I promise I'll get a receipt.

PPS - [Insert flippant Hogg/trough pun here].

Dear Peter Andre & Jordan

What? WHAT? You're splitting up?! You mean there... won't be any more docudramas? No more nauseatingly tacky OK! cover-spreads? No rallying point around which the world's idiots can congregate to formulate perceptions of that one true love?

(Beat, throwing arms to sky):

- WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY???!!!

OH! OH! OH GOD! NO! Say it ain't...

- WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY???!!!

I... I... I can't even find the strength to go on, and it...

- WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY???!!! 

Regards,
Davis.

Dear Enid Blyton

I have totally just found the title for your next book. Check it out!

Just think: this could herald a whole new dawn of fucked-up shit going down on Kirrin Island. Prospective future titles might include Five Bag an ASBO, Five Get Addicted to Crack and Five Become Four When Depraved Sex Game Goes Tragically Awry. I imagine Aunt Fanny would give them a right hiding.

Hope this helps.

Regards,
Davis.

Dear Tinchy Stryder "feat" N-Dubz

Well, at least we now have something in common. I, too, cannot for the life of me "understand how you're Number One".

If it's any consolation though, 'Dubz', your uproarious anthem Papa Can You Hear Me? regularly has me rolling helplessly in the aisles begging for the laughter to stop. Na-na-nai! 

Regards,
Davis.

Dear World

Thank fuck for that.

Regards,
Davis.

Dear Canonical Arbiters of Taste

Please accept the following points as evidence for the official instatement of WarGames as THE GREATEST FILM EVER MADE.


1) Ferris Bueller breaks into the US defence mainframe using little more than a tarted-up Amstrad with a floppy-disk drive the size of a turntable. Said system does, of course, apparently lack the foresight to include a firewall. Although...

2) A pre-Breakfast Club Ally Sheedy's in it, and she's brilliant. This is before Short Circuit, obviously, when she became rubbish.

3) "Mr Potato Head... Mr Potato Head...!"

4) Single-handedly responsible for teaching an entire generation the meaning of the term 'Defcon'.

5) "John! Good to see you. I see the wife still picks your tie..."

6) Made in a more innocent time when they apparently let tourist groups wander freely around the control-room of NORAD.

7) John Spencer gets all huffed-up and sweaty at the beginning by doing the right thing and refusing to obey Mr Blonde's order to "turn your key, sir". Well of course he does - he's Leo fucking McGarry!

8) The bit where McKittrick's assistant inexplicably wolfs down his chewing gum after he gobs it out in her hand.

9) "How about a nice game of Chess...?"

I think you will agree that the case is fairly air-tight. Defence rests.

Regards,
Davis.