Dear Glastongoers

Congratulations on bagging your tickets to next year's prestigious event! Advance registrations have sold out in record time once again, and it looks set to be an absolute fucking banga.

Just FYI, I've received an advance leak of the line-up ahead of its announcement, and can confirm that they haven't skimped on it in the slightest - truly, 2013 is shaping up to be the festy experience to end them all. It runs as follows:

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FRIDAY

PYRAMID STAGE

DUFFY - performing that song from the Diet Coke ad in full

RAIN AND INCESSANT WHINGING ABOUT THE VOLUME OF THE SOUNDSYSTEM

JEFF LEACH'S COMEDY CHARACTER SPECTACULAR

MICHAEL KIWANUKA'S VERRUCA

JIMMY SAVILE PRESENTS JIM'LL FRIG IT  ...LIVE!

CURLY-HAIRED BLOKE FROM CAST (Solo acoustic)

KATE NASH - exploring her 'difficult' new mature direction

A TRAMP

OTHER STAGES

None, sorry - cutbacks.

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SATURDAY

PYRAMID STAGE

ULTIMATE MASH-UPS: HOWARD FROM THE HALIFAX ADS vs. THE GO COMPARE MAN

THAT BIRD FROM TEXAS

DARCEY BUSSELL PRESENTS: A DANCE TRIBUTE TO TERRY NUTKINS 

TRACEY EMIN SHITTING HERSELF WHILE DAMIEN HIRST CUTS UP FERRETS AND THAT

SPANDAU COCKING BALLET
THAT DANCING PSY CUNT

JEREMY HUNT - My Life in Poetry

MENSWEAR MK. II - 15th Anniversary Reunion Tour

OTHER STAGES

Look, we're all in it together.

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SUNDAY

PYRAMID STAGE

ROBBIE FUCKING WILLIAMS

JEDWARD'S COMPLETE HISTORY OF BRITAIN

THE KATE MOSS EXPERIENCE

SHOVELL OUT OF M PEOPLE
SHELDON FROM THE BIG BANG THEORY RECITES HIS MANY HILARIOUS CATCHPHRASES

BODGER UND BADGER (German tribute act)

FEARNE COTTON (DJ set)

LOCAL BRASS BAND OR ROLF HARRIS NO DOUBT

OTHER STAGES

Take it up with your local MP, the Eavises are very busy people.

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Enjoy the legendary "Glasto vibe", suckers!

Regards,
Davis.