Dear Simon Cowell (II)

I'm all for a good cause, and so I'm just about willing to forgive your co-option of Everybody Hurts for the Haiti charity single.

However, listen to me very carefully. So help me God, if you let N-Dubz anywhere near that song, I will make it solemn vow to cut off your "na-na-nads", liquify them in a blender and force you to quaff it down like a frothing jizz milkshake.

Nothing personal, you understand. But when you pollute the world's finest music with the stench of its most artless bottom-feeders, there must be consequences.

Regards,
Davis.