Dear Glastongoers

Congratulations on bagging your tickets to next year's prestigious event! Advance registrations have sold out in record time once again, and it looks set to be an absolute fucking banga.

Just FYI, I've received an advance leak of the line-up ahead of its announcement, and can confirm that they haven't skimped on it in the slightest - truly, 2013 is shaping up to be the festy experience to end them all. It runs as follows:

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

FRIDAY

PYRAMID STAGE

DUFFY - performing that song from the Diet Coke ad in full

RAIN AND INCESSANT WHINGING ABOUT THE VOLUME OF THE SOUNDSYSTEM

JEFF LEACH'S COMEDY CHARACTER SPECTACULAR

MICHAEL KIWANUKA'S VERRUCA

JIMMY SAVILE PRESENTS JIM'LL FRIG IT  ...LIVE!

CURLY-HAIRED BLOKE FROM CAST (Solo acoustic)

KATE NASH - exploring her 'difficult' new mature direction

A TRAMP

OTHER STAGES

None, sorry - cutbacks.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

SATURDAY

PYRAMID STAGE

ULTIMATE MASH-UPS: HOWARD FROM THE HALIFAX ADS vs. THE GO COMPARE MAN

THAT BIRD FROM TEXAS

DARCEY BUSSELL PRESENTS: A DANCE TRIBUTE TO TERRY NUTKINS 

TRACEY EMIN SHITTING HERSELF WHILE DAMIEN HIRST CUTS UP FERRETS AND THAT

SPANDAU COCKING BALLET
THAT DANCING PSY CUNT

JEREMY HUNT - My Life in Poetry

MENSWEAR MK. II - 15th Anniversary Reunion Tour

OTHER STAGES

Look, we're all in it together.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

SUNDAY

PYRAMID STAGE

ROBBIE FUCKING WILLIAMS

JEDWARD'S COMPLETE HISTORY OF BRITAIN

THE KATE MOSS EXPERIENCE

SHOVELL OUT OF M PEOPLE
SHELDON FROM THE BIG BANG THEORY RECITES HIS MANY HILARIOUS CATCHPHRASES

BODGER UND BADGER (German tribute act)

FEARNE COTTON (DJ set)

LOCAL BRASS BAND OR ROLF HARRIS NO DOUBT

OTHER STAGES

Take it up with your local MP, the Eavises are very busy people.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Enjoy the legendary "Glasto vibe", suckers!

Regards,
Davis.

Dear BBC News

What's wrong with this article, as featured on today's Birmingham and Black Country News? Is it the headline and opening paragraphs, in which you describe what's happened...?




...No, that seems to all be in order. So is it the next part, which provides additional context and information about the case?

...Nope, that seems okay as well. So maybe there's some fault to be found with the next few sections, in which we get the  Judge's comments upon passing his verdict.

 

...Again, nil problemo. So perhaps, then, it's the very end of the piece, in which - after heartfelt pleas for restraint from the presiding magistrate - you proceed to publish the NAMES AND ADDRESSES OF THE ACQUITTED DEFENDANTS...?

You know, it's strange - despite this information being reproduced here for the sole purpose of gobsmacked and incredulous illustration, even I had the basic decency to not dish out names and Google map directions to any brickbat-wielding vigilante who might fancy having their say on the case.

Well fucking done, Anonymous Reporter. WELL FUCKING DONE.

Regards,
Davis.

Dear Jay-Z and Kanye West

Yeah, I'll be honest, lads, this is another of those times when I turn out to be quite pleased with myself.



Ball so hard, muh'fuckers want to fine me. Whatever the chuff that means.

Regards,
Davis.

Dear Home Office

I filled in your online survey on same-sex marriage. To be honest, I felt it all got a bit too bogged-down in overly-technical nitpicking for my liking, so I've cut-and-pasted the edited highlights below.

Q1: Do you agree or disagree that all couples, regardless of their gender, should be able to have a civil marriage ceremony?

A: Agree.

Please explain the reasons for your answer:

I fail to believe, in this day and age, that outmoded, predjudiced and archaic notions of what marriage 'should' be - apparently based on the didactic 'teachings' of a fictional 2000-year-old text - are even considered worthy of discussion.

Q16: Do you have any other comments on the proposals within this consultation?

A: No further comments necessary. Please get with the programme and live in the 21st Century.

SINCERELY,
D. McLELLAND.

Dear The Offspring

I listened to your upcoming single, Cruising California (Bumpin' In My Trunk), as I always do: with a sense of keen, eager and willing anticipation. I must say, it baffled the living shit out of me on first listen. "What the fuck are they playing at?!", I thought to myself, getting ready to pen your musical obituary with the sort of venom usually reserved for the latest piece of 30 Seconds To Mars promo 'cinema'.

Midway through, however, the audible clinking sound that could be heard resonating in the depths of my subconscious was that of the proverbial penny dropping. Not only is this record quite CLEARLY a massive joke, it's a fiendishly clever one, somehow managing to be both a spot-on parody of this sort of inane drivel and much catchier than the bulk of it. It will presumably therefore be a massive hit as a result of it being bought by the exact same people you're ripping it out of mercilessly.

At the end of the day, then, it all comes down to the simple question of which of these options you'd prefer: Katy Perry and Black Eyed Peas raking in millions while spouting this shit for real at the top of the charts, or The Offspring doing the exact same thing while blatantly taking the piss. Frankly, it's a no-brainer as far as I'm concerned (even if this does sound a bit like Iglu & Hartley).

The naysayers will scream bloody murder, of course, but more fool them: the great rock'n'roll swindle marches on proudly with a cynical smirk and one eye on the establishment's hard-earned dollar. And what, I ask you, is more punk rock than that?

In the meantime, I'm off to clear some space next to those Biffy, Rage and Nirvana tattoos for a flaming skull design, you fabulous bunch of japesters, you.

Forever yours,
Davis.

Dear 'Draw Something'

Can I take a punt? Is it "Tedious fucking drawing 'app' which seems to have reduced adults to a state of perpetual fucking childhood"?

- Or would that be too many letters?

Regards,
Davis.

Dear Norm Lurie of Larrikin Music (2)

I'm not sure if you recall our previous conversation, but I thought that it was perhaps worth a quick follow-up in light of today's tragic news.

My question, I suppose, is this: are you happy now, Norm?

In case you didn't hear me okay the first time, I'll repeat it. I said:

ARE YOU
FUCKING
HAPPY NOW,
NORM?

I wonder, in all seriousness, how you'll sleep tonight. In the meantime, well done to you and your team of leeching bean-counters at Larrikin. Well done. Fucking round of applause.You absolute shitbag.

Go to fucking hell,
Davis.