Dear 'Draw Something'

Can I take a punt? Is it "Tedious fucking drawing 'app' which seems to have reduced adults to a state of perpetual fucking childhood"?

- Or would that be too many letters?

Regards,
Davis.

Dear Norm Lurie of Larrikin Music (2)

I'm not sure if you recall our previous conversation, but I thought that it was perhaps worth a quick follow-up in light of today's tragic news.

My question, I suppose, is this: are you happy now, Norm?

In case you didn't hear me okay the first time, I'll repeat it. I said:

ARE YOU
FUCKING
HAPPY NOW,
NORM?

I wonder, in all seriousness, how you'll sleep tonight. In the meantime, well done to you and your team of leeching bean-counters at Larrikin. Well done. Fucking round of applause.You absolute shitbag.

Go to fucking hell,
Davis.

Dear Hollywood

I notice that, in addition to bunging Justin Timberlake into whatever crappy rom-com you've got him as the snappy urbane lead in this week, you've started casting Rihanna in films. We're doing this now, are we? Great.

However, I can't help but think that you might be missing a bit of a trick here by not using her to plough a fine line in Schwarzenegger-style puns. Frankly, the only way I can imagine she'd be any good in Battleship is if she played a mechanic, and halfway through got to utter the line:

"CAPTAIN! Something is caught in our propellor!

- Ella, ella, ay, ay, ay..."

Thankyou, thankyou...

Pundeniably hilarious regards,
Davis.

Dear Internet

I was highly moved by your latest viral video sensation, the heartwarming story of a virtually catatonic old man in a nursing home who is finally brought out of his shell by listening to a selection of his favourite music through an iPod.

It's in that spirit that I decided to craft my own version, which details what I think we all know he was actually listening to...

"Religious" music, indeed. 'Head' would be proud.

- See you in hell, then! (Again...)
Regards,Davis.

Dear Royal Bank of Scotland, UK Government, World

I notice that RBS has reported an annual loss of £2 BILLION today, up £0.9 BILLION from last year's total of £1.1 BILLION. Top-notch work in turning that shit around, bang-up job, backslaps all round, well fucking done.

"Yeah, alright, I admit, I probably don't deserve that new Ferrari."

And yet, despite this, those HEROIC INVESTMENT BANKERS from RBS will still be sharing a bonus pool of £390 MILLION (of our £45 BILLION, which we still haven't got back and apparently won't be doing for the forseeable future) between them.

An investment banker, saving the world.
Thank GOD for them!

Now, granted, I only have a borderline B-grade in GCSE Maths (certificate provided on request as proof), and am admittedly a bit hazy on the complex ins-and-outs of this global Economics malarkey, so I was wondering if you could just answer me this simple question:

WHAT'S

WRONG

WITH

THIS

PICTURE?

Give it fucking back. It's not yours, it's ours. GIVE IT FUCKING BACK.

In short:


Up yours, and I'm dead fucking serious, go fuck yourselves and die somewhere miserably, horribly, wretchedly, every last scum-sucking fucking one of you,

Davis.

PS - I can feel my mask of sanity slipping. At the rate we're going, it's going to have to be suicide, but rest assured: you're all coming with me.

Dear BBC News website (II)

Just copped a goz at your latest Entertainments and Arts page.


Beezer stuff. I can't help but think, though, that what your pages really need is MORE STORIES, FEATURES, ANALYSIS PIECES AND ARTICLES ABOUT ADELE. Why, this week alone she must have taken at least five shits, inhaled and exhaled thousands of times a day, said something, done something and maybe sang something, somewhere, at some point.

If you're stuck for inspiration, try looking back at your coverage over the last couple of weeks, when you reported on that time when Adele "triumphed at the Brits", was then "cut short at the Brits", followed by James Corden saying "something about cutting her short at the Brits", then some utterly fucking random bloke expressing displeasure at her "being cut short at the Brits".

We could also then do with a special report from the Arts editor on how Adele "triumphed at the Brits", followed by reaction from some other people on Adele's "triumph at the Brits", plus some additional footage of Adele "triumphing at the Brits". This, of course, after some build-up to Adele's inevitable "triumph at the Brits" and innumerable special features on Adele prior to "triumphing at the Brits" - possibly incorporating something about her throat here. And here. And here. And here.

All of these were, astonishingly, SEPARATE FUCKING ARTICLES - a bit like that time you reported on how she wouldn't be playing gigs that weren't even slated, then might have been quitting for a while, but wasn't actually quitting at all (where I come from, they're what might be classed as non-stories). Why, if I actually paid my license fee, I would have legitimate cause to get jolly well cross about this sort of flagrant, superfluous, wanton overkill!

In short, change the fucking record, yeah? That goes for every single one of you bastard radio programmers, too. Enough already. Enough. PLEASE. If nothing else, do it for my own sanity, and so that I can free myself from the bizarre Adele irony trap I appear to have become ensnared in, whereby the only place where you can read and hear more about Adele being in the news is from me bitching about Adele being in the news. Adele Adele Adele.

Adele.

Adeley regards,
Davis.

Dear Michael Cocking Gove (II)

I noted with great interest your invitation for the public to Tweet you questions using the hashtag #AskGove.

A preliminary scan of Twitter yields a vertiable smorgasbord of tantalising teasers (most of them, admittedly, honing in your spurious lack of qualifications for the post of Education Secretary), including such hot-to-trot dillemas as:

"Why are you saying your changes will take ten years to have an impact,
yet you want to sack teachers in a term?"

"Why do you insist on discrediting every educational achievement I get?
It's not actually easy to get 9 A*s as GCSE and 6 A's at AS"

"Would you accept the new average teacher pension to survive on?
Would you work until 68?"

"Who will replace the teachers who are sacked for being inadequate,
considering the inadequate teachers beat others to the job?"

- Tough cookies, all. However, I don't suppose it'll come as any great surprise to you that I've decided to cut through all this idle conjecture and get right to the nub of the issue. Are you ready? Here's my question:

Childish, unhelpful, unconstructive... but enough about your education policy.

All the best,
D
x

PS - @davismclelland if you'd like to reply, though I suspect 140 characters probably isn't enough to cover even the most basic overview.

PPS - Oh, pipe down, you humourless prick.