Dear Jay-Z and Kanye West

Yeah, I'll be honest, lads, this is another of those times when I turn out to be quite pleased with myself.



Ball so hard, muh'fuckers want to fine me. Whatever the chuff that means.

Regards,
Davis.

Dear Home Office

I filled in your online survey on same-sex marriage. To be honest, I felt it all got a bit too bogged-down in overly-technical nitpicking for my liking, so I've cut-and-pasted the edited highlights below.

Q1: Do you agree or disagree that all couples, regardless of their gender, should be able to have a civil marriage ceremony?

A: Agree.

Please explain the reasons for your answer:

I fail to believe, in this day and age, that outmoded, predjudiced and archaic notions of what marriage 'should' be - apparently based on the didactic 'teachings' of a fictional 2000-year-old text - are even considered worthy of discussion.

Q16: Do you have any other comments on the proposals within this consultation?

A: No further comments necessary. Please get with the programme and live in the 21st Century.

SINCERELY,
D. McLELLAND.

Dear The Offspring

I listened to your upcoming single, Cruising California (Bumpin' In My Trunk), as I always do: with a sense of keen, eager and willing anticipation. I must say, it baffled the living shit out of me on first listen. "What the fuck are they playing at?!", I thought to myself, getting ready to pen your musical obituary with the sort of venom usually reserved for the latest piece of 30 Seconds To Mars promo 'cinema'.

Midway through, however, the audible clinking sound that could be heard resonating in the depths of my subconscious was that of the proverbial penny dropping. Not only is this record quite CLEARLY a massive joke, it's a fiendishly clever one, somehow managing to be both a spot-on parody of this sort of inane drivel and much catchier than the bulk of it. It will presumably therefore be a massive hit as a result of it being bought by the exact same people you're ripping it out of mercilessly.

At the end of the day, then, it all comes down to the simple question of which of these options you'd prefer: Katy Perry and Black Eyed Peas raking in millions while spouting this shit for real at the top of the charts, or The Offspring doing the exact same thing while blatantly taking the piss. Frankly, it's a no-brainer as far as I'm concerned (even if this does sound a bit like Iglu & Hartley).

The naysayers will scream bloody murder, of course, but more fool them: the great rock'n'roll swindle marches on proudly with a cynical smirk and one eye on the establishment's hard-earned dollar. And what, I ask you, is more punk rock than that?

In the meantime, I'm off to clear some space next to those Biffy, Rage and Nirvana tattoos for a flaming skull design, you fabulous bunch of japesters, you.

Forever yours,
Davis.

Dear 'Draw Something'

Can I take a punt? Is it "Tedious fucking drawing 'app' which seems to have reduced adults to a state of perpetual fucking childhood"?

- Or would that be too many letters?

Regards,
Davis.

Dear Norm Lurie of Larrikin Music (2)

I'm not sure if you recall our previous conversation, but I thought that it was perhaps worth a quick follow-up in light of today's tragic news.

My question, I suppose, is this: are you happy now, Norm?

In case you didn't hear me okay the first time, I'll repeat it. I said:

ARE YOU
FUCKING
HAPPY NOW,
NORM?

I wonder, in all seriousness, how you'll sleep tonight. In the meantime, well done to you and your team of leeching bean-counters at Larrikin. Well done. Fucking round of applause.You absolute shitbag.

Go to fucking hell,
Davis.

Dear Hollywood

I notice that, in addition to bunging Justin Timberlake into whatever crappy rom-com you've got him as the snappy urbane lead in this week, you've started casting Rihanna in films. We're doing this now, are we? Great.

However, I can't help but think that you might be missing a bit of a trick here by not using her to plough a fine line in Schwarzenegger-style puns. Frankly, the only way I can imagine she'd be any good in Battleship is if she played a mechanic, and halfway through got to utter the line:

"CAPTAIN! Something is caught in our propellor!

- Ella, ella, ay, ay, ay..."

Thankyou, thankyou...

Pundeniably hilarious regards,
Davis.

Dear Internet

I was highly moved by your latest viral video sensation, the heartwarming story of a virtually catatonic old man in a nursing home who is finally brought out of his shell by listening to a selection of his favourite music through an iPod.

It's in that spirit that I decided to craft my own version, which details what I think we all know he was actually listening to...

"Religious" music, indeed. 'Head' would be proud.

- See you in hell, then! (Again...)
Regards,Davis.