Dear Simon Cowell

I enjoyed your branding of the highly commendable campaign to get Rage Against the Machine to Number 1 for Christmas as "cynical" and "stupid". You were, presumably, thinking of your own crass, synthetic circus freakshow while conjuring these magical words from the air.

With regard to your assertion that it's "quite a cynical campaign geared at me which is actually going to spoil the party for these three", it's perhaps worth noting that nobody has the automatic right to a Number 1 single.


And as for this... "I also think it's incredibly dismissive of the people who watch and enjoy the show where they treat our audience as if they're stupid" - no, indeed. You would presumably much rather have the monopoly on that particular pleasure yourself.

I hope De La Rocha and co trounce the shit out of your latest manufactured fly-by-night in this year's Xmas chart. Not just for offering a triumph of inspired democratic protest over blithe, unquestioning consumption, but also for the possibly that they might then show up on Top of the Pops to scream "Fuck you, I won't crawl down your chimney".

Regards,
Davis.

PS - They really are stupid, you know. Oh, what am I saying? Of course you know. Your empire absolutely depends on it.

Dear Christians

I've recently been made aware of a fascinating concept known as the 'CHRISTIAN SIDE HUG'. Supposedly this is a recent innovation designed to combat the kind of awkward, unchaste groin bumpage which can potentially occur during the traditional frontal hug much beloved by the rest of humanity with, y'know, a brain and that.

With this in mind, I sincerely look forward to the day when I can have the following exchange with an unsuspecting Christian lady:

SHE: "Erm, is that a statue of Jesus in your pocket?"
HE: "No, you've given me a raging stiffy, you sexy God-botherer".

Regards,
Davis.

Dear UK Supreme Court

RE: today's ruling on whether the Office of Fair Trading is allowed to even question the fairness of unauthorised bank charges.


FAIRNESS – adjective:
1. Free from bias, dishonesty, or injustice;
2. Legitimately sought, pursued, done, given, etc;
3. Honest; just; straightforward.

SUPREME COURT - noun:
1. An absolute fucking disgrace.

FYI, Justice Phillips, I intend to rob your house next week. Whether you have enough money to pay for extra security to safeguard against this occurrence is irrelevant, since I told you I was going to do it. Don't say you weren't given 'fair' warning.

WILL SOMEONE PLEASE - REIN - THESE CUNTS - THE FUCK - IN.

Regards,
Davis.

Dear Major News Media Outlets

Not even however-many-pitiful-characters it is go into your average Tweet could summarise how painfully little I give a fuck about Stephen Fry, Twitter or the tawdry, ongoing love affair between the two. STOP FUCKING REPORTING IT.

 Stephen - just so you know, this latest absolute non-event is the "wisteria" you were railing so smugly against during the Expenses Scandal. Choke on it.

Regards,
Davis.

Dear Cheryl Cole

CONGRATULATIONS on your first ever solo Number 1!


Wowee zowee! And to think, all you had to do was make one TV appearance... during the show you're already on! I can only imagine how satisfying the pay-off for all that hard work must feel!

God, isn't the music industry great?

Regards,
Davis.

PS - I suppose that song does have one thing going for it, though: at least it wasn't written by that bleating cunt Ryan Tedder.

Dear Voters

Following the frankly ass-poor performance from your man Nick Griffin on Question Time yesterday, I'd like to propose a new standard by which we measure the BNP's electability. This is a serious point now, one which hopefully ought to cut through all the hypocrisy, mud-slinging and slander. Are you ready? Here it is. Don't not vote for him because he's racist - don't vote for him because he's rubbish!


 I'm serious! Did you hear that shit? Let's do a quick recap for any of you who missed it:

Q: "What about that picture of you with the leader of the KKK?"
A: "...Er, yeah, but he's not a bad bloke!" - EH-ERRRRRR! RUBBISH!

Q: "Why have you decided to stop denying the Holocaust?"
A: "Well, I can't tell you why, exactly..." - EH-ERRRRRR! RUBBISH!

Q: "When you said that Hitler was, like, your hero and stuff..."
A: "I never said that!"
Q: "Yes you did, I saw it on Youtube five minutes ago."
A: "Er, yes, well..." - EH-ERRRRRR! RUBBISH!

I hope this clears up any doubts you may have had. (Of course, don't vote for him because he's a massive racist as well, the hideous fucking Baron Greenbach-lookin' motherfucker...)

Regards,
Davis.

Dear Stephen Gately, Surviving Boyzone Members

What a truly sad day for music. I mean, when he sang that one that went, ah - how did it go now... oh, you know. That one. With the chorus that was like, er...

  Mmm. Still, his contribution to popular culture will live on in all its grandeur, its splendour and its, er... what was it now... 

Let's be sure to remember the good times though. Thank God someone was around to capture the depth of this great man's precocious talent for all posterity. 

Joplin. Hendrix. Buckley. Cobain. Gately. 

Regards, 

Davis.

   

PS - No, no, but seriously, Gately fans, sorry for your loss. For the rest of us in possession of a modicum of perspective and/or common sense, please adopt this handy call-and-response guide for rebuffing charges of insensitivity when addressing the issue. 

Q. "Why would you say something so nasty?" 

A. He was a manufactured pop puppet with no discernible talent. 

Q. "I am as distraught as you were when Elliott Smith died. How is this any different?" 

A. Elliott Smith's music had depth and meaning. 

Q. "But he brought so much joy to my life when I was a teenager!" 

A. Impressing 14-year-olds with low culture is not difficult. See N-Dubz. 

Q. "But I used to really fancy him back in High School!" 

A. I used to really fancy my Drama teacher at that age. I have no idea what I was thinking. 

Q. "Louis Walsh described him as 'a great man'. Counter that, you foul-hearted shit!" 

A. Martin Luther King was a great man. Gandhi was a great man. Stephen Gately sang backing harmonies on Love Me for a Reason, and Louis Walsh is a fuckwit. All the best.