Dear Cheryl Cole

CONGRATULATIONS on your first ever solo Number 1!


Wowee zowee! And to think, all you had to do was make one TV appearance... during the show you're already on! I can only imagine how satisfying the pay-off for all that hard work must feel!

God, isn't the music industry great?

Regards,
Davis.

PS - I suppose that song does have one thing going for it, though: at least it wasn't written by that bleating cunt Ryan Tedder.

Dear Voters

Following the frankly ass-poor performance from your man Nick Griffin on Question Time yesterday, I'd like to propose a new standard by which we measure the BNP's electability. This is a serious point now, one which hopefully ought to cut through all the hypocrisy, mud-slinging and slander. Are you ready? Here it is. Don't not vote for him because he's racist - don't vote for him because he's rubbish!


 I'm serious! Did you hear that shit? Let's do a quick recap for any of you who missed it:

Q: "What about that picture of you with the leader of the KKK?"
A: "...Er, yeah, but he's not a bad bloke!" - EH-ERRRRRR! RUBBISH!

Q: "Why have you decided to stop denying the Holocaust?"
A: "Well, I can't tell you why, exactly..." - EH-ERRRRRR! RUBBISH!

Q: "When you said that Hitler was, like, your hero and stuff..."
A: "I never said that!"
Q: "Yes you did, I saw it on Youtube five minutes ago."
A: "Er, yes, well..." - EH-ERRRRRR! RUBBISH!

I hope this clears up any doubts you may have had. (Of course, don't vote for him because he's a massive racist as well, the hideous fucking Baron Greenbach-lookin' motherfucker...)

Regards,
Davis.

Dear Stephen Gately, Surviving Boyzone Members

What a truly sad day for music. I mean, when he sang that one that went, ah - how did it go now... oh, you know. That one. With the chorus that was like, er...

  Mmm. Still, his contribution to popular culture will live on in all its grandeur, its splendour and its, er... what was it now... 

Let's be sure to remember the good times though. Thank God someone was around to capture the depth of this great man's precocious talent for all posterity. 

Joplin. Hendrix. Buckley. Cobain. Gately. 

Regards, 

Davis.

   

PS - No, no, but seriously, Gately fans, sorry for your loss. For the rest of us in possession of a modicum of perspective and/or common sense, please adopt this handy call-and-response guide for rebuffing charges of insensitivity when addressing the issue. 

Q. "Why would you say something so nasty?" 

A. He was a manufactured pop puppet with no discernible talent. 

Q. "I am as distraught as you were when Elliott Smith died. How is this any different?" 

A. Elliott Smith's music had depth and meaning. 

Q. "But he brought so much joy to my life when I was a teenager!" 

A. Impressing 14-year-olds with low culture is not difficult. See N-Dubz. 

Q. "But I used to really fancy him back in High School!" 

A. I used to really fancy my Drama teacher at that age. I have no idea what I was thinking. 

Q. "Louis Walsh described him as 'a great man'. Counter that, you foul-hearted shit!" 

A. Martin Luther King was a great man. Gandhi was a great man. Stephen Gately sang backing harmonies on Love Me for a Reason, and Louis Walsh is a fuckwit. All the best.

Dear Beatles

Let me get this straight. You want me to buy the fuckers again...?!

You wanna watch yourselves, lads (and Yoko) - you're fast becoming the George Lucas of popular music. Frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if I picked up a copy of Abbey Road and found that Ringo's been replaced on the cover by Hayden Christensen.

Regards,
Davis.

Dear Movie Studios, DVD Manufacturers

Can someone explain to me which happy-clappy, recession-baiting Prozac-head is responsible for stickering half the UK's current DVD releases with this bullshit...?

I wouldn't mind so much, but earlier on in Sainsbury's I saw one on a copy of Philadelphia. PHILADELPHIA! The man dies of AIDS! Right at the end! After wasting away in a hospital bed! 

I guess what I'm saying is: could you shit off, please? If I wanted to feel good, I'd have a wank. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a date with In the Company of Men. Feel misanthropic! FEEL BAD! 

Regards, 

Davis.

Dear Patrick Swayze

Too easy? Too soon?

Pssssht.

Regards,
Davis.

Dear Mat Horne

No, I don't want to hear you DJ. Fuck off.

What a wonderfully hate-filled day I'm having. Maybe I'll go for a swim.

Regards,

Davis.