Dear Peter Andre and Jordan - sorry, "Katie" (II)

SHUT THE ABSOLUTE FUCKING FUCK UP, THE PAIR OF YOU.

"She said this!"

"He did that!"

The only people who give even the slightest dribbly shit are you, and idiots. QED.

Regards,

Davis.

Dear "Gadget Lovers"

FYI - 

gadget [noun]: Expensive, overwrought piece of pointless shit that you JUST DON'T NEED.

Regards,

Davis.

Dear people into shit about vampires

Has there ever been anything more tedious than shit about vampires? I think not.


Well... perhaps Joni Mitchell.

Regards,
Davis.

PS - I'm serious. I just watched The Last Waltz and she absolutely fucking ruined it.

Dear Madonna

Perhaps while attempting to erect your no doubt massively-overblown stage, those fallen technicians of yours failed to properly get their rivets "into the groove".

 
 Thanks very much, I'll be here all week! 

Regards, 

Davis. 

PS - Put some fucking trousers on, for God's sake. You're a 75-year-old mother of two.

Dear Lionel Richie

"...Hello...!"

Hear me now, Li! (Is it alright if I call you 'Li'?)

After watching your "2 smoove" crooning behind the embalmed corpse of the King of Pop at the Michael Jackson memorial show, I wanted to just share my vision, Jim Bowen-style, for how it might've played out given a little more thought to the showmanship of the thing. Here's what you could've won...

Wouldn't it have been genuinely amazing if instead you'd performed Hello and, at the climactic moment (marked in the video where that blind bit o' totty clasps her hands round your sullen mush), at the utmost pivotal "Hello...!", Jacko's body popped up out of his golden casket and, via the miracle of invisible wire puppetry, flapped around onstage like a sad parody of Weekend at Bernie's?

Seriously, now. I can help but feel like you've missed out on a serious opportunity for TV gold there. It would've kicked Janet's tit falling out at the Superbowl into a cocked hat.

Regards,
Davis.

PS - "...Hello...!"

Dear World of Fashion, Jo Whiley, Idiot BBC Glastonbury programmers

If I could design a T-shirt - any T-shirt in the world - it would say this:

KATE MOSS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ROCK & ROLL.

That's it. White cotton, plain black type, bold letters and just those few simple words: "KATE MOSS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ROCK & ROLL".

So! Here's what I'm proposing. We round up the author of this article and all the guilty parties interviewed herein, together with anyone who's ever paid £250 for a pair of FUCKING WELLIES. We pelt them with mud for that unique "trampy boho" look that's so in this season (thus royally fucking whichever overpriced high-street attire they've switched into to go watch the Klaxons), then stamp their grotesque faces into the slop beneath a Prodigy-sized moshpit. Only when they've gurgled their last fearsome breath can the world truly begin to repair the irrevocable damage these appalling shits have wrought upon humankind's dignity and worth.

As of now, I'm coining a new phrase to describe this putrid culture of flouncing microbacteria: 'GLASTONBASTARDS'. Spread the word.

Regards,
Davis.

Dear Internet

At 12:21am, Davis McLelland wrote: [Some off-hand comment in generally poor taste regarding departed King of Pop.]


At 12:22am, SensOfPerspectiv wrote:
OMG DAVID, HE WOZ A GENIUS, WOT HAV U EVER DUN

At 12:23am, followrOfLord wrote:
YEAH MAN IT IS LIKE JESUZ OR SUMMAT

At 12:23am, SensOfPerspectiv wrote:
WTF R U TALKING ABOUT, IZ MORE IMPRTANT THAN DAT, JESUZ CUDNT MOONWALK

At 12:24am, followrOfLord wrote:
YEAH BUT HE CUD WALK ON WATR

At 12:24am, SensOfPerspectiv wrote:
SHUT UP, JACKO CUD WALK ON WATR HE JUST NEVR TRYD

At 12:25am, followrOfLord wrote:
JESUZ TURND WATER INTO WINE N DIED 4 ARE SINS, WOT DID JACKO EVER DO

At 12:26am, SensOfPerspectiv wrote: JACKO SED HEAL THE WRLD, MAKE IT BETTR PLACE, 4 U N 4 ME N THE ENTR HUMN RACE

At 12:27am, followrOfLord wrote: HE WOZ A PASTY NONSE, WANNA B STARTIN SUMTHIN, TRY UR HEART M8

At 12:28am, SensOfPerspectiv wrote: U R A NAZI

At 12:29am, Davis McLelland wept openly for the future of humankind.

Regards,
Lone Voice of Reason in a World apparently LOSING ITS MIND.