Monday, 29 December 2008

Dear Primetime Commissioners

I awoke this morning in a glistening sweat after envisaging the future of Saturday-night television.

Jeff Leach hosts a show entitled Strictly Come On Her Face, in which him and a bunch of Hoxton trendies have their way with a pretty young thing selected for live debasement by a public phone-in vote. While all this is going on, Brucie-baby dispatches his familiar brand of cuddly retro-sexism, heckling from the sidelines with an insistent cry of "Good rape, good rape".

This is my nightmare. Following such luminous viewing experiences as Diddy's Bitch, Britain's Next Top Pole-Dancer, Pig-Wanking and Vanilla Ice on Ice, it can, however, only be a matter of time.

Concerned regards,

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